I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
