Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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