why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
