why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
