I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
