Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
