girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
