I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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