Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
