Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
