My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
