Welp...herpes.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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