I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
