I CAN MOONWALK!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
