my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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