Can i not drive my cunt home
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
