My sheets look like a crime scene.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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