I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
