i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
