Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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