AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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