You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize