In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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