You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
