fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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