Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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