it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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