I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
