Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
