Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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