he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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