My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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