I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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