dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
