I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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