Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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