im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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