John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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