All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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