i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
