just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
