I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
