Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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