Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
