I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
