And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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