i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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