Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
