Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
