having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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