It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
